What are you doing? You look so good! Day 1

I have been asked a lot lately, "What are you doing? You look so good!"  I never know how to answer so I have been trying to think about what it is that I've been doing.  Some things were obvious for me to think of....I have been eating healthier, resulting in losing 10 lbs. But the way they say it, I kept thinking, it's really not that big of a deal.  I decided that I needed to think deeper about what I am doing. 

Day 1:  I read self-help articles almost everyday, but rarely do much of what I read, even when I know the tip would help me!  I think I'm pretty normal in that. But really I think I just went back to doing what makes me feel good.  In doing that, I had to let go of some negative people in my life and focus on those that bring me happiness.  That has been the toughest part, but the most important I think.  Not letting those that choose despair to incorporate my life.  That does not mean that I don't listen to those that are having a rough day or rough time in their life.  I am referring to the people that chose to try and bring me down with them!  There are enough negative people and things in our life without inviting it into our lives! 

New week!

I think my kids got the idea!!  They seem to be taking care of life's needs without me having a meltdown:)

So Monday I did my first day of my new workout.  It's a quick one that's only supposed to take 10 minutes.  It came with 5 different workouts and said you could do as many of them as you wanted or had time for.  Well, Monday was a day off so I did them all....well kind of!  I did the first one, watched the second one while I recovered, did some of the other 3. And yes, I felt it yesterday!!  So last night I did the one I only watched the day before.  As I get up today....OUCH!!  I even woke up in the night, hurting to role over!  In answer...10 minutes does work!  Yippee!

It's been a rough day.  Lots of good things happened but varying trying with the kids. I had to get tougher because they still don't think they have to do their chores.  I've never grounded them to their room but I did today.  AS normal, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  But I do think so.  I need them to realize now that they have to do what is asked and be respectful.  I spent all morning treating them like they were 3 yrs old.  They had to go with me everywhere to run errands, hold my hand and I talked to them like they were little kids, hoping they would get the idea. Didn't work.  I gave the time alone to figure out what they need to do to earn my trust back.  When they came out of "alone time" they cold tell me what they needed to do.  But then they did the opposite.  So I sent them to their room at 3:30 this afternoon.  They are still there now (8:30 pm).  I gave them dinner in a box of warmed up left overs from the week with a glass of water.  Some people make them I'm horrible but they need to learn that they will not treat me this way and disrespect me and our home.  It is so hard.  I cry and cry right now.  The right thing is often the hardest.

Rough day

I had a really rough day yesterday for some reason.  Really, I just had a pity-party couple of hours for me!  HA!  I'm back on top today!  That's what really matters in the long run.  It's not IF we get down, but WHEN we get down, do we get back up, dust ourselves off and move forward.  

So what yesterday?  I'm not real sure, actually.  But I started to feel sorry for myself a little again about being alone.  Today I know that it will happen "when it's supposed to".  I think it's really about the fact that I hate dating.  It's so tough when you're older and there are busy lives, kids and fear.  I'm also a little lonely.  I know I'm not supposed to be lonely, but I am.  I'm lonely for adult affection.  Don't get me wrong, I have fantastic friends near and far, but that is not the same as the physical and emotional affection from a significant other.

I had my last parent-teacher conferences this week.  Several of my students who are single parents.  A major issue for us single parents in this area is that it is not common to be a single parent for a variety of reasons so people do not understand it or know how to support it.  In talking to these parents, I heard them having the same issues I feel so I know I am not alone.  I am lucky in the fact that I have an education but I still feel many of the same things they feel; the frustration in "getting it all done" while working full time, having no one else to help with discipline when you are at your "wit's end", doing all of the cooking, cleaning, homework help, bill paying, emotional giving, guilt when I take time for myself, etc.

Today is a new day....I'm not alone now, nor will I be single forever....moving forward.....one step at a time....one day at a time....the pieces will fall together just the way they are supposed to....

I used to be so angry on Valentine's Day.....anger filled with hurt and jealousy. Since I chosen to embrace my life as t is, I found extreme happiness in Valentine's Day. I no longer wait for someone else to send me flowers or tell me they love me, I simply do it for myself!!

Wow....being single and a mother is very difficult in a small town.  I've known that for a while, but them I begin to have faith and believe that someone will be different so I give dating another shot.  But once again, here I am sitting and wondering what came over me to think it was a good idea to pay a babysitter to go and meet someone on a first date.  I guys I wanted to be sure I still knew how to get ready for a date!  HA! Let me say that I have an amazing time!  He was a gentleman, loved to laugh, we talked a ton and danced to almost every song the band played.  At one point he asked if I wanted to do something for Valentine's Day.  I told him I have Parent Teacher conference but maybe afterwards.   After we left the bar, we took his friend home, who had drank a bit too much.  He kissed me very soft and romantically in the snow falling softly from the sky.  THE MOST romantic kissing I have ever had.  He drove me crazy!  I hadn't expected to like him as much as I did.  I shouldn't have, I guess.  The usual, blow off the next day.  I have said it a million times but I will say it again...I HATE DATING.  Better yet...I don't hate dating, I hate dating someone and liking them but only to get blown off.  So typical for me.

I do believe in love very much.  True, romantic love that is not found very often, but when it is.....it will be the most amazing thing in the world.  Why do I let it get to me so much?  I wish I could say I didn't care no matter how much I like them.  After all, it's only one date.  But don't they all start with one?

I'm a great preacher to others, too.  I can hear exactly what I would tell me: "When the time is right, it will happen."  "When you least expect it, it will surprise you."  "At least you had a great date.  Many people would love to just have a great date."  "Don't think so deeply.  Just take it for what it was."  Oh yes, I am such a better counselor to everyone else than I am to myself!!  I want to cry.  But I haven't.  Why?  Because I didn't want to explain it to my kids.  Because I want to be the strong person I suggest everyone else should be.  Yet again....I would tell myself, "Just cry!  You will feel better!"  I crack myself up!!  For good sake!  Take your own advice!!  So now I will cry myself to sleep about being alone...not lonely...but alone.

I was a little bummed today when my son was still sick and I couldn't go to school.  I love teaching.  I love my main job of teaching.  But what I love even more is holding my son after he pukes, cleaning him up an holding him until he falls asleep.  That was my morning and most of my morning.  I know there won't be many more days were he will let me hold him, so I love these moments and I don't want to miss one of these times.  Makes me thankful to be a single mom so I don't have to share these moments!

I loaned out my favorite book, Eat, Pray, Love and never got it back.  (I'm bad about loaning books and forgetting who I loan them to and never getting them back.) I then bought a new copy but I was bummed because my old copy had all of my favorite quotes and thoughts underlined:( I finally listen to my gut repeatedly telling me to read it again.  Amazingly, I have found that I think I am reading it completely differently than I did the first copy.  I know it's because I am at a completely different place in life than I was then.  Then I was the woman who was lost just as she was.  Now I'm not lost, even though I am still alone and don't know where I'm going!  Ha ha!  Sounds ridiculous to many but makes total sense to me!